Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this