When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”