If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.