still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Okay me first
adding to the discourse
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court