Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Worst bar ever.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Ovenable?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”