Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.