judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
next question.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.