[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere