Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
How I like cutting carbs
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
How all things should be taught/explained.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?