me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
#Caturday
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
he looks great for his age