friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D