Sunday
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?