Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
this is how life feels
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”