4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go