33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
my dog when i have a friend over
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.