I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.