“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice