This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless