INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.