I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Kidney stones? Hard pass
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about