It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I love the honesty
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*