[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Just a reminder, folks:
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet