Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My new favorite headline
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*