tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.