I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.