Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.