If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels