teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
the red hot silly peppers
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
CUTE CAT‼︎
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”