When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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“A little help here, Danny?”
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.