Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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My sex drive has a dui
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren