[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.