I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
me and who
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
For the baby who has everything
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.