Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You Might Also Like
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I put the mess in domestic.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
This was a bad idea all around
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie