I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
You Might Also Like
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
School be like
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.