ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You Might Also Like
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations