Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.