I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Actually cracking up @ this
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.