Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
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Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Usage Guidelines
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Dead sexy!!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention