Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.