What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes