Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
こいつ天才
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.