Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I think we should hear other voices.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on