My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
A great tip. #CakeRex
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka