Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.