Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep