If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom