Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
screw you
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.