love it when they get my name right
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I am a gravy boat captain
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied