I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
That’s fair
X-tra spooky blend
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Does this dress make me look cat?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.