WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Noah
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
shit, they caught us—run!!!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.